Divorce, at best, brings out the crazy ones in us all. An unwanted divorce will drive some people to the brink of madness. When you’ve invested decades of your life, raised and loved children with someone who deviates unconditionally from marriage, the pain is beyond description.
And pain causes people to behave in ways that are not productive to them and anyone who interacts with them. Below are some suggestions on what not to do if you received an unwanted divorce. It is my ardent wish that everyone who needs this advice can move forward in life with their heads held high, dignity intact, and on the path to recovery.
7 thinks you should NEVER do it after an unwanted divorce
1. Don’t call your ex:
The sound of your voice is not going to make your ex come home. Especially if you dial and text several times a day. Your ex wanted to get a divorce, give them what they wanted, not contact you unless absolutely necessary.
Think of these two things. Distance really makes the heart grow faster. If your desire is to put your marriage back together, it is more likely if you create distance between you and your ex.
And if they don’t come back, you never have to look back and shudder at how obviously you threw yourself on someone who no longer wanted you. If your marriage is not restored, you will survive with your pride intact.
The only time you should call or text your ex is when you have underage children, and then it should only be child-related issues.
2. Don’t talk about your ex to friends and family all the time.
The less you talk about your ex, the less you will think about your ex. Yes, emotional pain is easier to process when spoken to, but not with anyone willing to stop long enough to listen. Have a good therapist and close friend to escape from, and keep everyone else away from your divorce and your feelings about your ex.
This may be hard to believe, but you are not the only one experiencing an unwanted divorce. Her story, as much as you want to believe, isn’t unique. It is your story and you have the right to feel your pain and confusion, but bowing everyone’s ear will not alleviate your pain and confusion. It will only alienate people who need you in your life to distract you from the pain and confusion. Put a lock on it!
3. Don’t analyze too much what went wrong or what you could have done differently.
It is your job to identify and learn from the mistakes YOU made during the marriage. Take advantage and learn the lessons that you must learn from the divorce. After you’ve done that, and it shouldn’t take long, put it in the past. It’s over and over, no amount of analysis is going to change what happened. Over-analysis keeps you stuck and unable to move on, and nothing is less attractive than someone who is still waling in self-pity five years after the final divorce.
4. Don’t try to keep an eye on your ex.
Unless you share kids and your ex is putting their lives at risk, what they do now and what not after you two are divorced, it is none of your business. He recorded with an eighteen year old? This is his problem, not yours.
Your ex is your past, what they do with their life is none of your business. You deserve to be happy and so do you. You can’t be happy if you spend all of your time keeping track of them. You move on, let go of it and do the same. Difficult, I know, but possible if you let me.
5. Don’t cry in the bank or any other public place.
I did that, I cried in the bank when I deposited a check. I cried so hard that the bank clerk took me to the bathroom and told me I would be fine. She said, “Honey, one day he’ll just be a man you used to know.” And she was right, he’s someone I rarely think of now.
Letting someone walk away from you is heartbreaking and it is understandable that the tears, the hell, the sobs, will come and come often. When they left, they did not take your pride and dignity with them. Sob in the privacy of your home or in the therapist’s office. When out in public, keep your head up high and don’t let anyone see you sweat this loss.
6. Don’t hurt them just because they hurt you.
Seriously! Two mistakes NEVER make a right. You have a choice, get balanced, or get over it. Take the main road and don’t hit back. If you don’t, it will show anyone watching that you are the bigger person. And if you’ve been left behind by a scammer or abuser, the taller person is a label to wear.
7. Don’t be too quick to forgive:
I’m not encouraging you to hold a grudge. I suggest that you protect yourself from further pain by refusing to forgive someone until you know they have changed. If your ex is asking for forgiveness and wants to come home, don’t be too quick to welcome them back.
They hurt you terribly. Don’t greet them back with outstretched arms until you are sure they are fully on board with the marriage restoration. Many of us spend too much time planting flowers in the yards of people who won’t water them. You can’t be the only one working on the relationship if that relationship is going to survive.
Once they realize their mistake, don’t jump back in your trust and belief until you see changes in the quality that made it possible for them to walk away in the first place.
Your plans for the future, your dreams and hopes have been dashed by a person’s desire to get a divorce. You need to start over now, figure out what you’re up to, and pull yourself up from the ashes of the marriage you had. It’s possible, but only if you’re willing to hit the country lane and give the ex exactly what he wanted … a life without you.
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