It is not necessarily wrong to get information from your friend or fiancé. But the way you approach it makes a huge difference!
Guys love relationships with girls who are kind, fun, peaceful, and pleasant. You want to be a hero and a good guy in your relationship history.
The problem with asking why
Instead of asking “why” questions, remember to rephrase things so you don’t question his motives and intentions. Sometimes asking why means you think he’s stupid.
- Why did you go this way
- Why did you do that?
- Why didn’t you think of it
- Why do you talk to your friends so much?
- Why don’t you come to me more often?
Worst of all, asking a series of “why” questions can drain his romantic spirit towards you. There is an assumption behind many “why”. Often an assumption of wrong motives on his part.
- Why did you get me ice cream?
- You want me to get fat don’t you?
- Why didn’t you take me out to dinner tonight?
- You do not love me, do you?
- Why did you go this way
- If obvious, this one I was thinking of is better. You are not a very good driver.
- Why are you working so late?
- It’s because you don’t want to be with me, right?
When we approach our men with wrong assumptionswe can really throw a load of unnecessary drama into the relationship.
Assuming he doesn’t love you without evidence, he’s not being fair to him. It’s humiliating. And sometimes, when we keep throwing unjustified accusations against our men, they understandably decide that they are not very interested.
If you think you really need more information, treat your husband with respect
It’s sometimes important to ask about things when you don’t understand or think you disagree with something.
- Hmm … I think I’m confused. Would you mind sharing some of your thoughts on this?
- That was surprising! I would like to know more about your perspective on this matter.
- I would really like to understand this situation better. I think it would help me if I could know a little more about your thought processes.
- Your perspective is really different from mine. I want to try to better understand your point of view.
Sometimes questions are not helpful or necessary
In other cases, we may not have to ask anything at all. Especially if it’s something that isn’t really your business:
- Why he chose a certain road and not another.
- Why he ate, what he did for breakfast.
- Why he didn’t shave that day.
- Why he brushes his teeth in the morning before eating.
When we ask about every little thing, it can feel like an awkward questioning from a man’s point of view. The feeling of constant questioning doesn’t make him share his heart and deepest thoughts. It tells him there is a red flag.
It makes him feel like there is an irritable relationship between a mother and a naughty little boy. That feels gross. Not romantic.
Real vulnerability and emotional connection in the relationship are much more difficult when our men feel like mothering them or constantly questioning their motives and decisions. We may love them, but we feel very prickly in these moments and our approach repels our men.
When you have a good guy, treat him like one
Personally, I had to learn to take a few big steps back and give my husband more room and space to breathe and make his own decisions. It turns out that his motives are usually good. He just has a very different way of thinking than me.
It works much better for me when I give my husband the benefit of the doubt. I found that I don’t really have to ask him about 80-90% of the things I used to have.
And when I have to ask questions, I’ve found that a kind approach and a desire to understand him and his thought process works much better than a critical mind on my part.
NOTE: Most adults and even teenagers do better if they don’t feel misheard in a relationship, including women.
Have you learned more productive methods for asking your husband questions that you think will be a boon to the other ladies? You are welcome to share!
When you have a man who is clearly evil in motives and who is trying to hurt or abuse you, that’s a completely different situation. If he is cheating, abusing you, lying all the time, hiding a lot of important things or having uncontrolled mental health problems, please turn to experienced help in your area.
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