in

Invite the reader to the story (side review) – Nathan Bransford Writing

If you would like to nominate your own page or request for public criticism, please publish it here in our discussion forums:

And of course, if you need help urgently or privately, I am available for changes and consultations!

Well then. Time for the side criticism. First I will present the page without comment, then I will offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to express your own thoughts, please be polite. We want to be positive and helpful.

Random numbers were generated, and thanks to ddub, whose page is below.

Title: The Song of Kate Elizabeth
Genre: literary fiction

I feel like I’m walking in a completely different, flat outdoor area and breathing completely different air. It never gets old. But here, in this one, the calibration zone or the “calzone”, as it begins to call in the forums, which really annoys me, as usual extremely foggy. But this time it’s so foggy that I can only see the floor I’m stepping on, and of course my feet or my shoes, and my trench coat, which flutters around like a slack sail. If I’m not mistaken, this is the same black striped trench coat that I wore in my 20s. Why am I wearing this old thing at all? I think it fits because I might have worn something like that the last time I saw her.

Now what I have to do is focus and do the specific number of steps in the correct order to turn on the runtime. Otherwise I just end up at home where I started. Must remember to move with your breath. Consistency is key. Place the foot. To breathe. Step. Move, breathe and … step. I don’t try to imagine what it would look like from the outside, as if I were doing an elaborate rain dance or a martial arts ritual. must focus on the execution of the steps.

This is a difficult page that needs to be worked out of context, since I personally am not a big fan of the start-and-stop quality of some prose (e.g. “the floor I step on and my feet) Of course , or my shoes, to be precise, and my trench coat that flutters around ”), this is also more a question of personal taste. Overall, this reads relatively smoothly for an opening and we get the feeling of a somewhat fussy narrator.

My biggest concern is that I don’t feel very invited to this story. This room is “completely different” from what? Which forums? Who is this woman the narrator has not seen in a while? What term? What steps?

While it’s okay to put a reader in an unknown environment, the opening feels a bit too vague for me and it is very little clear what I can hold on to, except maybe for the trench coat. I have problems imagining where we are, what is happening and contextualizing the concepts. The setting is not very precise.

Here too, part of it is personal taste. But even for literary fiction in an unfamiliar environment, I think that a little bit more can be done to motivate the reader from the start.

Here is my redline:

Title: The Song of Kate Elizabeth
Genre: literary fiction

I feel like I’m walking in a completely different, flat outdoor area and breathing completely different air. [Completely different from what?] It never gets old. But here, in this, the calibration zone or the “Calzone”, as it is called in the forums, which really annoys me. [Another way to show the narrator being bugged rather than via an interjection?] as usual it is extremely foggy. But this time it’s so foggy that I can only see the floor I’m stepping on, and of course my feet. or my shoes, to be precise [Do we really need all these interjections?] and my trench coat fluttering around like a slack sail. If I am not wrong, TIt’s the same black striped trench coat that I wore in my 20s [I’m confused why the narrator would be confused about their own coat?], Why am I wearing this old thing at all? I think it fits because I might have worn something like that the last time I saw her.

Now what I have to do is focus and do the specific number of steps in the correct order to turn on the runtime. Otherwise I just end up at home where I started. Must remember to move with your breath. Consistency is key. Place the foot. To breathe. Step. Move, breathe and … step. I’m not trying to imagine what that might look like from the outside [outside of what?]. It might look for an outsider as if I was doing an elaborate rain dance or a martial arts ritual. must focus on the execution of the steps. [This feels repetitive]

Thanks again to ddub!

Do you need help with your book? I am available for Manuscript editing, query review and coaching!

For my best advice, check out mine Instructions for writing a novel (now available in audio) and mine Instructions for publishing a book,

And if you like this post: Subscribe to my newsletter!

Art: Sawmill in the morning fog by Emil Jakob Schindler

Note: We are not the author of this content. For the Authentic and complete version,
Check its Original Source

Your customers have introduced digital payments. Did you? : E-COMMERCE MARKETING

How I use Trello to plan our homeschool HomeSchool