“You wouldn’t worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how rarely they do it.”
“When you say” yes “to others, make sure you are not saying” no “to yourself.”
Making a habit of being a human lover can have a sneaky and negative effect.
Not just on you, but also on the people around you.
Because while you try to please the other people in your life:
- You put on a mask and try to guess what to do while anxious and stressed.
- Sometimes you feel exploited by others Who your people like and you often feel out of tune with what you want yourself.
- It can also have unintended effects on other people When they see through your mask, they may feel your inner discomfort and strain themselves and become confused or upset because they feel that you are not honest and uncomplicated with them.
Trying to please others as much as possible is often an even worse choice than you might think.
But how can you change this behavior and stop being a human lover?
This week I want to share 7 important insights and habits that have helped me.
1. Realize that some people are not about you and what you do (no matter what you do).
Some people just can’t be happy. No matter what you do.
Because it’s not about what you do or don’t do. It’s about him or her.
How she has a bad month, has a sick pet, or doesn’t have good chemistry with you.
Or that he is in an unhappy marriage, overindebted, or has a toothache that just doesn’t stop.
By realizing this and realizing that ultimately you cannot make everyone like you or avoid conflict, no matter what you do, you can start to let go of this ineffective and harmful habit.
2. Learn how to say no.
Of course, if you want to, it’s hard to say no.
But it is crucial for your own happiness, your stress and to live the life you really want.
Here are 5 things that made it easier for me to say less often:
Disarm and state your needs.
It is easier for people to accept your no if you disarm them first.
Do this, for example, by saying that you are flattered or appreciate the friendly offer.
Then add that, for example, you just don’t have the time to do what you want.
If they are intrusive, state how you feel.
Say that you feel that this offer does not fit your life right now.
Or that you feel overwhelmed and very busy and therefore cannot do what you want.
Telling someone how you feel honest can help them better understand your side of the problem. And it’s also much more difficult to argue about how you feel than what you think.
Help a little.
If possible, complete your answer by recommending someone you think might help or better match what you need.
I do this quite often when I feel that I lack the knowledge or experience that a reader or friend is looking for.
Remember why sometimes it is important to say no: you teach people how to behave.
They learn about you and your limits from your behavior.
So if you stand up for yourself and say no and are sure of what you don’t want, people will start doing it.
And over time, you’ll find fewer and fewer situations where someone tries to be pushy or outsmart you.
It’s okay to feel a bit guilty when you say no (but you don’t have to act on it).
Just feel it and be with that feeling for a while.
But at the same time, you know that it does not mean that you have to react to it and say yes or do what you should do.
3. Reminder: People don’t really care what you say or do.
Restraining yourself in life and trying to act in a way that pleases others can, in my experience, largely result from the belief that people are very interested in what you say or do.
But the truth is that while you are the main character in your own life and mind, you are not the one in other people’s lives.
Because here’s the thing: People have their hands full thinking about and worrying about their own lives.
They have their heads full of thoughts about their children, careers, pets, hobbies, dreams and worries, or thoughts about what others might think about them.
This knowledge can make you feel less important. But it can also free you.
4. Learn how to deal with criticism and verbal lashes (and the fear of them).
Tip 1 in this article will help you deal with criticism and the fear of it.
Because sometimes it’s just about the other person and their current life situation and not about what you did or didn’t do.
A few more things that help me deal with negative or critical messages are:
Wait before answering.
Take a few deep breaths or a few minutes when you are in front of your inbox.
This way you reduce the risk of yourself flogging or making a mistake. Calm down a little before answering, it’s actually always a good idea.
Remember: you can let it go.
You don’t have to respond to all negative messages that you receive via email, social media, or real life.
You just can’t say anything, let go and keep going.
Of course, this doesn’t work in every situation, but it’s important to keep in mind that you have this option from time to time.
It’s okay to disagree.
I needed time to really get it.
Because I wanted to get people on my side. So that someone sees things the way I did.
But it’s also okay to just have different opinions about things. And stick to it.
I found that life became easier and easier when I started to accept this idea and perspective.
5. Set yourself limits.
If you reject yourself, if you set yourself some fixed limits, it will eventually become easier to do the same to other people.
These limits can also help you focus better on what matters most to you.
A few of my daily ones that have helped me with both things are:
- A start and stop time for work. I don’t work before 8 a.m. and my work computer is turned off by 7 a.m. at the latest.
- Work in a zone without distraction. I put up with email notifications and messaging programs. And my smartphone is in silent mode at the other end of our house.
- Check the emails only once a day. Otherwise, it’s easy for me to lose focus and have too many thoughts in my head while I’m working.
6. Strengthen your self-esteem.
Why is that important?
Good with a toolbox for self-confidence filled with helpful habits You will appreciate yourself and your time and energy more and it will therefore be more natural to say no when you need it.
And criticism and negative words will bounce off you more easily and frequently.
Plus, you’re less worried about everyone else liking you all the time.
Because you now like and respect each other more and your dependence on what others think or say is drastically reduced.
7. Focus on what you expect from your life.
Of course, if you know what’s most important to you and focus on it every day, you will start saying no and stop being so pleasant.
Because now your energy and time is mainly focused on your needs and desires.
You are no longer just floating without a clear focus (which is great, because if you lack that, it’s easy to fall into the trap, just do what someone else wants).
How do you do that practically?
Well, it may take some time to make the settings you want. But a good start is …
Step 1: Ask yourself: What are the three most important things in my life right now?
Step 2: create 1-3 reminders.
Write your three most important things on a small piece of paper. And put it on your bedside table so you can see it first thing every morning.
You can also create 1-2 more notes with the same answers, for example to put them on your fridge and in your work area.
An effective alternative to paper notes is to use a reminder app on your smartphone (I use the free Google Keep app for my reminders every day).
These two simple steps helped me a lot to set my priorities clearly and to remember them every day so that I don’t stray too much from what is most important to me.
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