There are many ways to describe it Mitabhängigkeit, but to enable intimate relationships, I will use them. This definition was given by Scott Wetzler, Ph.D. “Codependent relationships mean a level of unhealthy attachment where a person has no self-sufficiency or autonomy. One or both parties depend on their relatives to fulfill them.”
I think we are all addicted together if we are not in our truth. If we don’t know who we are, we look at those closest to us, in this case our partner, to meet our own needs: financially, emotionally, mentally and physically. It is a big task! Imagine someone has the job of making you happy? It’s like saying your partner is your one stop shop to meet all of your needs. If it doesn’t meet all of your needs because this is an impossible endeavor, create toxic expectations.
The truth is, nobody can make you happy. Nobody can “complete” you. Sure, there are some people who like an equal relationship, but usually it’s because they want to have power over you. Finally the soul longs for freedom; Freedom to be who you are, and if there is no such freedom, fulfillment will never come.
So why raise the issue of dependency after a divorce? Because how you do something is how you do everything. If you were co-dependent in your marriage, you are still dependent on divorce. You may still be very dependent on your ex-spouse. Most marriages do not end on their own consciously, often one of the parties does not even want to divorce. They may not know who they are without their partner because their identity is related to that of their couple. This is, by definition, what it means to have no autonomy …“I don’t know who I am without you.”
I get it. I started meeting my partner when we were teenagers. We were just kids. We had no idea who we were. We were together for 19 years. It was like we had changed into the same being. It was only when I was in my mid-thirties that my soul longed for autonomy. It longed to know who it was, besides being a woman and a mother. I had no idea who I was because I needed my partner to carry me … to carry us. It was unfair not only to him, but also to my mind.
It didn’t stop here. Even after the divorce, I was still dependent. There I was, wanted to get out of this marriage and longed for the freedom to be who I was and still gave up my power. This was so subtle that the naked eye couldn’t even believe it.
I needed him to feel significant, I needed him to confirm myself as a good mother, I needed him to respect myself, I needed him to know that I was able to be alone, and i needed him to know that i was powerful.
I need him. I still need him. I gave my strength away.
This was the energy I gave him, the strength I gave away, like screaming in the universe that I wasn’t enough. I said that I need someone else to feel worthy and to be fulfilled. How did I come to need someone I wanted to part with so much? It was the ultimate contradiction. My soul needed autonomy and my ego needed confirmation to feel worthy. It was a need that no one else could meet.
That energy was the trigger for a tug of war during my divorce, and it held me energetically … it held us. This is what it means to be divorced but still be energetically married. Your souls have connected at a certain time, and in the case of a divorce, they will not go away after you have signed the divorce papers. This requires awareness. I’m talking about it in more detail here are-you-divorced-but-feel-is-still-as-you-energetic-married
I finally realized how I was giving up my power and what I had to do to regain it. They know when you are no longer dependent, when you are no longer triggered, and they no longer have the strength to bring you to your knees. If nobody does, says, or takes anything, you react longer. No more energy is given away, no more power is passed on carelessly. You start to remember who you are and you remember how powerful you are.
I was finished playing tug of war. I have spent too many years holding onto this rope so that letting go was absolute freedom for my soul. It was a freedom that I never knew existed, but I remembered it internally as my true being. Freedom came from the knowledge that I didn’t need anyone to feel worthy and that it was time to rediscover who I was and what I was capable of in this life. This was done by slowly disconnecting myself from what took my strength and reconnecting with myself, with my truth.
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