"You only see in others what you have in yourself." ~ Annette Noontil
Now that I've seen painful patterns that repeat themselves many times, I now realize that the things that trigger me are just lessons that I have to learn, and that are often provided by other people. The more painful the experience, the more I can learn (in retrospect) from it.
Every now and then I take a step back when I feel in my mind about the rightness or incorrectness of a situation and the pain it causes me. I can see that humans are just the mechanism for my growth, and painful experiences are just big signs of the wrong path that leads me to my best life.
In his book Scattered thoughtsDr. Gabor Maté wrote: "It is now widely accepted that people will build relationships with other people at the same level of psychological development and self-acceptance as their own. What we might call the law of equal development is true even if the people themselves believe in mythology that one of them is more emotionally mature than the other. "
I love this insight from Dr. Maté, especially when he gives a typical example of a married couple with a spouse who seems to work more successfully in the world than the other. When the relationship is examined more closely, one can usually see that both people have much to do to function healthily as an individual and not in a co-dependent state.
It is no coincidence that we build relationships with people who trigger us. We are attracted to people who are in some ways consistent with our own issues. They challenge us and help us to get well and to grow.
As a homeopathic physician recently noted, two different constitutions are often interrelated: "One is in her head and needs to learn to connect from her heart, the other is in her heart and needs to learn to connect from her head . "
But all of that applies regardless of whether it is an intimate or a distant relationship. If someone triggers you (positive or negative), he has something to teach you. Michael Kerr simply puts it this way: "People tend to their emotional mirror images."
"People tend to sort by emotional development for many purposes, not just after marriage," writes Stanley Greenspan, "because those working at different levels speak virtually different languages …. In fact, people who have been far apart in their development have very little to tell. "
It can be difficult to look at people whom I have literally despised and who we regard as emotional reflections – for example, a jealous colleague who has made several efforts to discredit me. This does not mean that I am a tyrant because someone has bullied me (though this could mean for someone else). it means that we both had an equal emotional stake in the same interaction.
In retrospect, I see that my former colleague has caused pain through my childhood relationship with my mother.
My colleague's approach was an unfiltered flogging against anything that got in her way. Her unprofessional behavior was not checked and managed because she had been promoted because of the short-term results she had achieved.
Her behavior reflected the unfiltered (tongue) lashing that I often got from my mother when she was feeling very worried.
As a child, I learned to stay out of trouble by anticipating her emotions and striving for perfection in my behavior so that I did not receive any criticism (which was usually unfounded and unfounded) always delivered in a way that felt squeezing and unfair).
Not that I've ever been passive, but if I wanted something, I wanted to pursue it from a defense standpoint and justify myself rationally instead of having healthy boundaries for my own needs and desires.
Being publicly criticized by a colleague was therefore not a safe feeling for me. My attempts to repair the relationship privately were unsuccessful, and it did not take me until I got up in a meeting and told her clearly that I would not allow her (anyone else) to harass me, which earned me respect.
This experience allowed me to see how much I had hurt myself since my childhood, and to put energy into healing this old wound rather than perpetuating other situations in which it echoed.
In retrospect, and because of my own years of parenting, I can now see that I was not responsible for my mother's anxiety. it was rather an intensification of their own fear as a child in response to culture and the environment you grown up in and by the way their Behavior was managed.
Nowadays, it's easier for me to get rid of problems that emotionally trigger me. Note, however, that I am still being fired. I believe that will never change, because there is no safer way to know what we are doing do want to know without first knowing what we do not want. It's just best not to get stuck and to pity yourself.
I admit, it is sometimes difficult to find a way through the emotions of the moment, especially when it comes to a lingering situation. When I'm raised, there are still other people that I would most like to confirm my point of view, as they would undoubtedly love me to confirm their point of view. So there is much to do.
The nice thing, though, is that I choose to do it from a point of intrigue and readiness to learn and grow instead of feeling powerless and at the mercy of others.
Note again, I said mostly, Old habits die hard and there are still many times when I turn to confidants to complain about something. For this reason, I entrust people who gently reclaim me to the observer chair and to the wider view.
And when similar situations arise, I know that life is an important lesson for me. It is not always clear what the real lesson is and how I can overcome my struggle, but experience has taught me that when things are ready, things will become clear. my job is to handle my frustrations as best I can, instead of making myself unhappy.
And since the lessons are mostly held by others, I try not to slander them for their part. I know that in the future I will thank them, if only inwardly, for the role they have played in my continued growth and journey through life.
What are you currently triggering and what are your frustrations focused on? Think of situations in the past where you felt similar. When can you first remember how you felt? Try to see the pattern and what it could tell you.
Try to see the lessons you learn instead of surviving the pain as a helpless victim. However the lesson is played, the true lesson will be a version of learning to love oneself more; it's always like this.
Can you imagine a world full of people seeking their power through self-love rather than trying to take it away from others? This is a world I would like to live in.
Note: We are not the author of this content. For the Authentic and complete version,
Check its Original Source