I vividly remember telling my mother carelessly that if I were still single at 35, I would have a baby on her own and she could help me look after it. I was 31 and had just ended a relationship with a guy everyone thought I was getting married to. But I was not ready to settle for the crumbs of a relationship he wanted to offer me.
I must have had a crystal ball, because although it took a little longer than predicted, we ended up exactly there.
At 37, after a particularly painful heartbreak, I realized that I could not repeat the same mistakes. My confidence in myself to make good decisions when it came to relationships has been completely destroyed. Wanting a baby and feeling like I was running out of time clouded my judgment on who was right and wrong for me.
I could not sit there and leave it to fate. In 20 years dating, Mr. Right had not come along. So what was the chance that he would come along in the next five minutes?
With my back to the wall, I decided to take control. I started to investigate the possibility of using a sperm donor to get pregnant.
I found an online community of single mothers and talked to other women in the same position. Other women who had already made the choice. Gradually, this "outside" thing that "other women" made became something I could imagine.
I remember that my heart beat with nervousness as I waited for my GP to ask him for a referral to a fertility clinic. What if he laughs in my face? What if no donor sperm is available? What if it did not work? What if it worked and I could not do it on my own?
Somehow I did the what-if and in September 2010, my fertility specialist showed me the cell bundle that she would put right in my womb.
In May 2011, my beautiful girl was born.
It was not a smooth ride. I will not gloss over it. But this bundle of cells is now a squeaky, giggling, beautiful girl who loves riding on ponies, singing The Greatest Showman to the fullest and giving the best cuddles of all time.
When did you realize that you had to go alone? Or did you just realize that it's your destiny? What led you to this decision?
Tell me in the comments.
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